Why I don't feel that I 'fit' into this 'world'. Pt.1

In my earlier posts, I may sound optimistic, now, I'm not so sure. I could consider myself pessimistic, or maybe just being realistic. I wasn't so friendly as I hoped to be, but the loneliness gave me a lot of time, thinking about everything that I felt matters the most. And with those thoughts I often improve them from time to time by using my rationality instead of emotions.

I may have started being dead inside. It's like the saying "Ignorance is bliss". I don't just want to be 'happy', I want to know the truth, and to me it's not worth living a beautiful lie. How do you even choose whether to live with the burden of knowing the ugly, sadistic truth or living in bliss, ignoring its existence? It's a choice between two bad possibilities. Either of these choices will make you lose. The only thing you can do is choose the one that makes you lose less.

Why? Why do I feel as if the truth hurts so much to me to the point of being driven to be having suicidal thoughts? Is it because of how judgemental people are because they can't cope the differences between me and them? Why do I feel that people would never learn to be tolerant towards the wild ideas that I have?

Can you imagine how it's like to live everyday hearing people misunderstand the concepts that you try to come up with and express how much they hate those concepts? And this is before you even tell them about said concepts. I'll give examples (actually maybe a metaphor), examples explain things so much better:

"The general public is not tolerant enough for me."

Prepare yourself for a probably-too-long-post about:

Gay rights

Here we go again urgh. Yes I know it's obvious where I'm going at but you will see why it's not I promise.

We'll take it in a simple level first. Theists felt that they have the right to condemn gay marriages because their religion says so. But, people are arguing that gays would not affect anything to them since they aren't related to theists. This argument basically tells theists to 'go fuck themselves and mind their own business'. This probably means nothing, but the problem is the argument does not help us to develop where anti-gay people and gay people can live peacefully together.

Though there are theists that don't give a damn about gays marrying or not, this case is not enough. There is a difference between accepting gay rights and not caring about gay rights. If these theists were in a religion that forces them to not accept these rights, then they have no choice but to protest.

A few rational people (probably,) try to prove that the bible nor Jesus has anything against gays, but I will not ignore the case that there are religions against gays, and it certainly is real, it's just that gays were so oppressed and no one is willing to make it a big deal similar to the United States was recently, because the risk was too high and they would end up dead.

We'll get to that case later, but for now, let me get something straight about these protesters. Was it wrong for them to express their opinion to reject those rights? "Of course they are wrong! No one is free to take other people's freedom!" It's as if I'm spouting nonsense, questioning the blatantly obvious.

But this wasn't obvious, not until up to recently, and gay rights was indeed deemed to be frowned upon in the past. It was normal to hate gays, to put it bluntly. Some might accept it, but it would be an unpopular opinion. But if there were gay people protesting against these people in the past, what is the difference between the gay protesters in the past and these theist protesters right now? The only difference is the level of rationality they are in. We can debate all life about who is right, but, in actuality, what does the public have to say about people protesting?

If you were to live in the past, you were more likely to think these gay protesters were just idiots, unless you somehow spend some time being more rational than the public.

Take a look right now to these Christians and would you dare say that they were merely idiots for saying something they felt was right? Indeed, there is little difference to how the public views protesters. People just think they are inferior without properly observing the situation.

So were they wrong about standing up to their Bibles and protesting? Maybe, but they do not deserve hatred and condemnation, instead they deserve proper criticism. What we lack as a community is not the tolerance to accept properly constructed ideas, but the tolerance to sit down and try to improve ideas that seem inferior.

I can bring all the small problems to relate to this one, a lot of people just love to hate on Justin Bieber's music, but for the reason that he was an immoral human being. Yet I am still waiting a constructive criticism as how his music is actually awful. It still doesn't mean I like listening to him, I just don't happen to listen. Everyone hates the Call of Duty series, implying that the game was too easy, but were there any people properly mentioning on how it can improve? No I don't play FPS anymore.

Maybe he actually is, but judging him by just that is not enough to prove it.

Maybe they're nice people? They might disgust people and by that it might also offend, but I don't think we should discriminate and hate them. But we can ask and/or suggest them if there were other choices that would make them happier with their appearances, because that... really just doesn't seem so comfortable for them.

Sometimes the majority appeals to their emotions rather than equality for each human being, this could be one of those cases. Maybe he's just joking anyway, the other guy wasn't completely right in my opinion either way, we do have a right to 'give a damn fuck about how they look'.

And hey, people like to think that the government will take every chance they get to take advantage over the citizens, right? Do you actually think they wouldn't have thought of the ways to solve those seemingly simple problems just like how you thought? Maybe I'm just being unreasonable, maybe your government really does suck at solving problems, but which is more likely? Do you feel you gathered enough evidence to prove such a case? Yes? Oh, so we're in the same boat now. At least for that case in matter.

Continued later~

Tis' feeling.

            It's been a while since I had this feeling. Finally, I felt like I had to write something. As I expected, feelings like these seem to die out once my exam is finished. The feeling to write something. Thoughts flowing, the urge to channel it to other people's minds. To help them. It started to vanish. Yet I still want to say important things to people, but the times where I do have to say ceased to exist nowadays. Even if I do say it, would people care to listen? Would they understand? Would they ever respond? Things like these, just prevents me from doing these.


           To start it off, I was moved by several events. These events triggered the feeling to write this post. But what I would like to focus on is these two videos. Watch them if you have the time, or if you are really that lazy, just keep on reading, but you may be missing a few points.

 Yes I was slightly concerned why I actually had to watch these videos, and it was kind of surprising why they were both females. Not being a sexist and all, just bear in mind, it's not about what gender they have, but what the video was actually about.

            Is it just me or videos like these start to spread? But that was kind of off-topic, I'd rather talk about the 2nd video, the video about the sunset painting. Have I ever turned back on passion? I could probably say no, but I'm not so sure myself. What is my passion? What do I really love to do? I make animations, it was something that I enjoy, but there are moments when I just don't feel like doing it. It would be frustrating, it takes time, effort, but what really matters is how much I love doing it. What happened? Was making animations not my thing? I have been making them for 5 years, and even though the time where I don't want to make them do exist. I can't help but to be inspired by music or thoughts.



            When I hear good music, I can't help but to imagine a scenery, with characters laid out doing cool stuff. The effects, the movements, it inspires me. Rarely, I think about fictional stories, stories that I myself made, or probably it was related to something I watched, or experienced, whatever. But my imagination starts to expand, I let it run wild. I would love to see the things that I imagine happen, and...


Making animations was one way to do it.


            Do I love making animations then? I could say I do, but how devoted am I to it? We'll just have to see about that. Should I be very devoted about it? Isn't that something that comes naturally? If I force myself to devote myself to animation, I won't call that 'real' devotion, would it?







            Was making animations the only thing that I love to do? I couldn't say yes. I.... somehow.... love to do a lot of things. It was never just about one thing. Can I say that I'm flexible? There's a lot of things to do. I love teaching things. Should I become a teacher? If you see nowadays, teachers don't really 'teach' you. How should I put it... You're not learning it the way you should. I'm not saying every teacher in the world, but maybe you could say most teachers.


            Let's take math as an example. I know that most people hate math. Maybe some can do well in it, but I doubt that you're actually learning. Well the school where I used to be was... dreadful, in a sort.


            Students, especially the ones who took... nevermind, I'll get straight to the point. There are students who take exams too seriously. It's not really about exams, but, 'success'. Yes, I think that's the right word. They all look, like they're being forced, being pushed. It feels weird, to be in such a place, with my perspective. But it's quite normal to be in such situations for the people around me.


            What do they strive for in school? They wanted high grades. High grades get them a better university/college, and they'll study more there. Get a degree or something, and get the best job you can. Get all the money you want, live the life that you always wanted.


            That seems to be the plan. Am I right? Or was I wrong?  If it was true. Then doesn't that seem like a very painful life? Spend more than 20 years in this world doing the things you hate so that you can live happily the rest of your life?



            What's that did I hear? Sounds like a worthy investment? Takes a long time, but it would be worth it? Can I say, that having such mindsets were the cause of students committing suicide, a few disciplinary problems, the low grades that we kept getting?



            I'm sorry, it probably wasn't because of the 20 years of doing stuff you hate, but it was only because of doing the things you hate. It was never about how long, but what you just did. Did you have a choice? Well yes, you do, do the things you hate or die. Simple as that. So people are forced to do this?


            Who forced humans to do this? Nature? Logic? The universe? I doubt it, it was because of humans themselves. Does it make sense? Well at first glance, no. How about we take a look at things again?



            Who made school? Who made exams? Who made jobs, companies? Who invented the system of money? Humans, exactly. But then what driven us to make those? The things that we hated?




            First of all, are those things that we hate? Or did we invent it because we wanted do? I probably won't explain much right now, but schools are where you gain knowledge, right? Humans are curious beings, they want to gain knowledge. There is a way where you can take the time to appreciate the beauty of the things that you learn at school. It's not about studying, but learning. That's what matters.


            I said something about maths, right? Did you 'learn' maths because you had to? Did you excel in maths because it was something that you can 'memorize' easily? Did you take the time to understand? Did you ever learn what it actually is? What can you do with them? Why would you learn them in the first place?


            Sadly, questions like these don't come from the mouth of most students these days, it's very rare anyway, like a unicorn or something. And even if they were asked, I doubted that teachers would even have the time to answer.



            You might be wondering, does it even matter? Yes it does. Because if you kept on ignoring the answers to these vital questions, you're no better than a slave. Even if you did succeed in your life. But you only succeeded as a slave, it doesn't change a thing. Not a slave of God, but a slave to the world.


            My friends had no clue about the connection between indices and logarithms. They had no clue about what it is actually. And if I were to push a bit further, I don't think they would have even less clue about integrals, trigonometry, or just about anything.


            I actually tried to question someone, who was the same age as me, was kind of smart, whatever, but the question was, why are we learning differentiation? The reply was "You don't have to confuse yourself and overthink about things like those, just study about it,". It was weird for me, probably some of you do agree, but was it worth to do such things?


            How stressed are you to learn those? Yeah go ahead and try, force yourself to 'learn' everything, try to use that mindset I kind of hated above and see how far you could go. You could probably burn yourself out. It's a dreadful path, if you make it that way. Is it dreadful because it is, or did you make it that way?




            Take a first glance about trigonometry. Triangles, triangles everywhere. What and why? Well you could have a first guess from the questions you previously answered in tests that you can estimate how high a building is with trigo.


            Don't tell me that's the only reason you learn trigo, you probably didn't even learn it because of that. Yeah, have you ever heard about Pangya? According to most people, it's a frustrating, boring game, but I'll elaborate on how wrong they are afterwards. Pangya is just a fantasy golf game. And the pros there can make Tiger Woods look like a noob. Was the game so easy? No, it wasn't.


            People went through all the hard work finding out wind values, each yard. The further you are to the hole, the more the wind affects your ball. That's easy, but how much does it affect? How do you know how much it affects your ball? And slope values, don't get me started, if you need to make your shot on an inclined ground, your ball will bend somewhere right? Yeah.



            Also, the height, is the hole level relative to where you are? Higher? Lower? Whatever, I'm just making you confused right now. The thing is, it's complicated stuff. Yet, a lot of people actually enjoy playing the game. Do you want to know why? Because you got something you wanted. That's the basis of it.


Thing is, we use trigo to solve most of those problems.



            You went through all the hard work , and you got that ball into the hole from a very far distance. Were they frustrated in the process? Well actually they did, but that's because of something else. What actually mattered was did they did it because they were forced to, or did they want to do it? Easy to tell, it's just a game, you were never 'forced' to play the game, that's silly. Well probably in Saw's game, but that's off-topic. Why did we want to find out the wind values? Because we want to see that ball sink into that hole. That's it. After all the failed attempts, we finally got it. We got what we really wanted. The enjoyment fills in your body. You can see that at first we might want to see the ball spin into the cup, then we wanted it to just, enter the cup without even bouncing, and then we wanted to do that while the ball was curving.



            You see there? Games aren't just about shooting people or killing dragons. They come in a variety of genres, but they all have something in common. I enjoy fps games, yeah, people spend time practicing to get themselves kills in a match, right? It's just the same with Pangya. You want to get an awesome chip-in. That's what matters. Yes.


            Oh god, do you even realize how I dragged school to games here? So what's the connection? You can see how Pangya is connected to math. Not all games connect to the things you learn in school sorry. Though Portal has an interesting twist to physics. Kinda sparks some curiosity.


            I'm not telling you to turn subjects in school to games. No, not really. Thing is, you don't just enjoy games, seriously. But what makes games enjoyable, is the same thing that make things in school enjoyable. Same goes to a lot of other stuff, actually.


*I'll be continuing this at a later time. I kinda need a break, this post is getting too long.

Read this before anything else, it's important.

Because you might seriously be missing  vital points. Read this through carefully.

I want you to read my posts when you only feel like it, do not read when you don't have the suitable mood. My posts may be long, so take your time, add a bookmark, stop whenever you want to, continue when it feels comfortable.


Whenever you have the chance to express your opinion, do it. I would really love to read your comments, your views/thoughts. If you have a question ask, if you think that I made a mistake, then tell me.


The way I type my posts may be different than others, the fonts may change, a few of the words may be in bold/italic, the colors may change, and everything else.


This is because I may type in different expressions and I would exaggerate on a few points, just the way I write in my book, that is, if you have ever read my book (Only a few of my classmates have read it). Here are a few guidelines;


Things that are written in red means high exaggeration, I am very concerned and also furious about the point I'm writing in this color, you should think about it seriously. This may also be strengthened with an underline, bold, or maybe even italic, probably 2 or more of those all together, according to the way I feel.


When typing in blue, I'm pretty much in an 'un-serious' mood, probably something that I find funny, maybe not, but it's not all that stressed. Just something to be known.


The casual black/white (Depend on which template you're viewing) is the normal feeling I have when writing, I feel like there's something to be told, something deep, something that other people could learn from, the points written are still points that are to be concerned, but not as exaggerated as in red.


I may also change fonts, sizes, or just about anything that I find that describes my feelings the best. If it gets too complicated, I'd add further notes, or you can just ask me.


The posts typed in this blog will also be featured in my book, and I (seriously) wish to publish this book. I don't really mind what kind of audience that will be reading my book/blog, because I believe it's something that everyone should read, understand, and use it in their lives.

That's pretty much everything that you should know about before reading on, if there's anything to add in the future I'll notify in my newer posts and edit this one.




Now that's out of the way, maybe some of you are wondering what am I actually writing about. If you think that this blog is just going to be about my whole life, complaining about everything, bragging about anything, posting things that don't even concern you the tiniest bit, then you're wrong. My blog does not serve such purposes. I post things that you probably have thought about, but have never expressed, things that you have thought deeply once before, things you think rarely. I could be wrong about just now, but my posts are things that you have to understand, and learn something from them, if you haven't already. I'm not forcing you to be someone that you're not, or someone that's evil, no, I want you to do the things you really want, achieve the things that you have dreamed of, I wish for the best of everyone. I may not be perfect, I may be wrong in some cases, but that's where other people should come in and help. I always try to confirm my thoughts everyday, I find every possibility, I don't blindly come up with ideas.


I'm just 17, and I'm sure that most of you could be thinking that why would someone like me do things like this? Teaching other people how to live their lives? Do I really know how to live a life? Do I have the experience? Are you hoping that someone else, preferably, somebody old, somebody successful, to teach how you should do things?


Just because you have more experience than I do, doesn't make you better, what matters is how much you learn from them. Sure, if you have more experience, you can learn even more from them than me, but did you? Have you? I don't just learn from experience, I learned from observing, from research, and also experiments. I make sure that the things that I learned before are still true to this day.


Just because you are richer than me, doesn't make you better than me either. (No, I'm not implying that I'm better than all of you, really, just some.) The fact is, money is just a symbol, it's a symbol of your deeds. Before money invented, barter trade was the method to get the things you want, and I actually liked the way it was before than now, but there's an even better method, but more on that later. Let's say you had a lot of fruits, so much that you can't use all of them, you managed to grow more crops than you need. Rather than being greedy and take all of it, you decide to make a good deed and give them to other people, you cared about them. We'll just say that you did it for free, with no charge at all. You expect nothing in return, because you had excess of it.

Let's switch places. How about if you were given fruits for free? You would greatly appreciate it, it's free, and it's something you need, and of course, you won't be wishing for a laptop, iphone or a car during the old times. How do you really feel? Do you feel like that you owe him something? No? Well yeah, probably not, but what do you feel about the guy that just helped you? If you had something in excess like him, would you return the favor? Do you feel somehow, attached to him? Are you happy to know people like him? Well I'm not greedy, I care about people who cared about me. I'm human, so why not? I'll help him.

What does this have to do with 'money'? Take a look, this was the oldest form of the system of 'money'. When you gave something to other people, that is what you just 'sold'. You did without any intention of 'money', but that doesn't really matter. And when somebody returned the favor and gave something for you, that was the 'price' for the things you just 'sold' and your 'money'. No matter how much you avoid the 'money' it comes to you, every action has it's own price. And this is the best point. Now that real money is invented, the money that we receive now is the 'returned favor' that we received for our 'deeds'. Take a look at the world now, isn't it the other way around? Pretty weird, probably even funny, no? How much of all of you work for the money? Have you even cared about the things that you do? You work part-time at places such as restaurants, and you served customers just because you wanted the money. You did things just for other people to 'return the favor'. Why won't you care about the things that you do? Many people have responded me "Because they don't have any other choice.", I understand their predicament, but you can love the things you do. Seriously, there are a few examples, you can love helping people to eat what they want, and have you ever wondered, ever enjoyed, to see the smile on your customers when they eat the delicious food you just made? You made a burger with all of your heart, place the ingredients to make it taste just nice, arrange it to look better. Now have a look at your customers enjoying their food, doesn't that make you happy? Why won't you do things just like that? Probably there are a few rude customers, maybe some that show less expression, but the problem's with them, not you, they should read this blog, too. The fact that some people really enjoyed your food is already enough to motivate you to do more.

Back on topic, with the things that I have just told you, how do I confirm that you are better than me? Did you do things just for the 'money'? Why does it matter, really? Honesty, my friend, be honest with the things you do. If you kept doing your job just for the money, you will most probably end up having people respect you just because of your money, not for what you are. People love you just because you have more money. If you were to do things with honesty, people know that you do your job because you care about everyone else, people respect you because of that, they don't look at your money. People love you because you loved them, you made a great favor for them. They owe you something, but in a good way. They help you when you need it.

And that's pretty much my first blog post. Thanks for your time. Leave a comment/response below, because I'm eager to know what you have in mind.